Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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