Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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