I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
