I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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