I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
