I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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