I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
We're too hungover to prance.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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