Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
