I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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