Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
