She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
