Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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