I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Please don't give away my fajitas
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