literally had 100 drinks last night.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
