Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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