I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
