Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
