I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
