dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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