After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
