i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
