You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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