we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
