when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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