you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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