dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
