I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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