I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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