life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
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Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
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No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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