Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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