New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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