Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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