i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
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I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
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The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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