did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Randomize
