no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
