Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
