Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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