I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
