the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
