i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
