she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
