Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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