I am spending my child support on dildos
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
