Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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