Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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