my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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