So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
