Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I think your dad took our porno
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
