just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
