I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I AM VODKA MAN
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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