sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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