I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
