Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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