the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
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There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
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I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I have fence marks all over my body
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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