My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
