You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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