he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
