and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
