Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
