Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
No I am not eating basil off your cock
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize