well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Houston, we have a squirter
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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