the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
